It's Hammer Time

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If It Doesn't Fit, You Must Leave It - in the bedside table drawer where it belongs

What time tonight? 7:30?  (posted by Karen)

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That's good for me, and where is The Switch and Spurs again?  (posted by Linda)

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Like we know where you keep your sex toys, Linda. Sheesh.  (posted by Stephanie)

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Yep, works for me. And I'll also need the locale. :)  (posted by Nancy)

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3rd drawer to the left of meh bed. I STILL am waiting to learn/use Karen's whips AHEM maybe at an Girl's Night Out sleepover?? (posted by Linda)

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Hey guys - have a great time I won't be back till 21st - I hear the Switch and Spurs is great and like a real british pub so can't wait to try sometime (as for sex toys I promised Linda in the event of her untimely demise I will empty out that 3rd drawer before her parents get there. :) She will do same for me of course.) (posted by B)

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Looks like the Switch and Spurs is closed on Monday! I mentioned going to that Italian place on Twitter...does that work for y'all??

THANK GAWD you still remember where the toys are, B! ;)  (posted by Linda)

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Italian place works for me!

And funnily enough, my bestie (name withheld) is also aware of my naughty drawer locale in case of my early demise. ;)  (posted by Vicki)

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It's very important to have back-up in this area AHEM. :)  (posted by Linda)

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I went to a swim meet and all hell broke loose. Sex toys and people dying and what now?  Just tell me where and when. And I'm not bringing any sex toys. I'm leaving them at home where they belong. (posted by Hot Lips)

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I can't remember how we started talking about sex toys! I'll double check w/everyone on the Italian place...it's a good location I think for everyone.  (posted by Linda)

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Realllly late to the post here...but count me in!! (posted by Nancy)

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I just want to say, I know nothing of the whereabouts of Vicki's sex toys, or my own for that matter. #lostinthemove #FML (posted by Karen)

Italian place works! Linda's in charge of the table! I get to sit on her lap...I mean next to her. HA! (posted by Karen)

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Top drawer in my nightstand. Bestie with same name as you, Karen, is on the case should I die an early death. ;)  (posted by Vicki)

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Karen - That seems like a box you should have moved personally, like your fine china and savings bonds. Just sayin.  (posted by Nancy)

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I thought I hid it so it 1) wouldn't go to my parent's house (ew) and 2) couldn't be found by husband or movers. I hid it too well. And I'm a bit afraid of where/when it might turn up.  (posted by Karen)

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Ha! I forgot you lived at your parent's house for awhile. I can just imagine the look on someone's face when they open what they think is just a box of Christmas decorations :)   (posted by Nancy)

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Bah! Ex took mine. Who steals sex toys? Eh, less to move. (posted by Stephanie)

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Ha ha, Nancy! "Yeah, uh, mom. It's a Bavarian tradition to hide the dildo in the Christmas tree for the kiddies to find!".

Stephanie - Seriously? Creepy. (posted by Karen)

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I'm pretty sure. Either that, or he hid them really well in the house. Ah well, the new owners are in for a treat someday in that case.  (posted by Stephanie)

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I'm still stuck on "in case (name withheld) found them."

And Stephanie, my ex boyfriend took mine, cut them up with a saw and mailed them back to me. Pretty sure I dodged a bullet by not marrying that one!  (posted by Hot Lips)

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Did you date my ex-husband by chance? What a visual...grown man standing over a table of latex dongs, having at them with a saw... (posted by Stephanie)

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Hot Lips,  - I have no words for that story... (posted by Vicki)

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I just caught up with all of this. Best FB message thread ever. We rock. OK. Reservations are set for 7:30!! Under my name and  table is set for 10 JUST in case other GIRLS walk in...no guys allowed. (posted by Linda)

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I like that we can set this up on FB. Keeps it on the DL from the boys! 'Cause you KNOW who'll try and show up. (posted by Karen)

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TRUST me in when I say I will go absolutely apeshit in every way if that someone shows up. I'm not kidding. RAWR! (posted by Linda)

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No boys allowed. I will totally throw down if any "it's all about me mofo" shows up. (posted by Hot Lips)

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If peeps weren't allergic to my kitties (that's cats) then I'd have everyone over here. We could rawk out in the basement AHEM...We'll have to think of a good place where everyone is comfortable i.e. the BOYS...and everyone's significant other is awesome! I haven't met Vicki's man yet however who I'm sure is awesome as well ;) I wanna meet your man Hot Lips. (posted by Linda)

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My husband has been on the rag for like three weeks. I'll have everyone over when the midol kicks in.  (posted by Hot Lips)

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Also, he's hot. So keep your grubby mitts off.  (posted by Hot Lips)

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I am cracking up!! "apeshit" "all about me mofo" "the rag" and "grubby mitts".  (posted by Stephanie)

The Blog is Born

As far as another gathering, you all know about the XXXX 2010, right? We have 50-70 people coming to our place and you're all invited! We're working on securing a band and we have rented a moon bounce for the kids. My thinking is that we can trap the kids inside the moon bounce then the parents can have a good time. ;) Nothing bad can come of that! (Posted by Karen)

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Karen - very much looking forward to your XXXX 2010 party. In addition to whatever sort of dish you want us to bring, I will happily supply a lock for the moonbounce!

Vicki - you inspired me to see what search terms led poor souls to my blog. A few faves?

"the haunted cow doll"

"boys fucket"

So clearly I am a winner! :)  (Posted by Nancy)

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WTF is a fucket? (Posted by Karen)

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Karen - you don't wanna know ;) 

And really, I'm not sure. But I can tell you people google it ALL the time. And are really disappointed when they land at my blog.  (Posted by Nancy)

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Urban dictionary says a "fucket" is a bucket used to do XYZ sexual things to. WHAT!?!? I must visit your blog more often. (Posted by Karen)

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HAHA! I really should have taken up knitting or scrapbooking instead. (Posted by Nancy)

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Ahh, the family barf bucket. Ours was (is) the ice bucket from the Holiday Inn. Large, white, square, bucket-o-technicolor-yawn. (Posted by Karen)

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Someone got to my blog once by searching something along the lines of: athletic FTV girl Vicki. Per the website, "FTV girls play with themselves as well as insert of items like vegetables, wine bottles, and hair curlers." That person could not have been pleased to find my domestic blog.

And don't get me started on blue waffle disease. DO NOT GOOGLE THAT. For all that is good in the world. DON'T DO IT. (Posted by Vicki)

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OMG Vicki - do you have any idea the willpower it is taking me not to google blue waffle disease and FTV?? but something tells me to follow your advice. (Posted by Nancy)

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What bad can come out of Googling "blue waffle disease"? Sounds innocent eno...oh, ewwww.  

Ewww...

What are you people writing about on your blogs!?!?

Ewwwwwww. #scarredforlife (Posted by Karen)
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"Blue Waffle is a vaginal disease and the term should not be confused with the quick drying towels that are used to dry and wipe cars and other vehicles."

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HAHAHA! Thanks for confirming my fears. #notgonnagooglebluewafflenoway (Posted by Nancy)
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Thank GAWD I didn't see pictures. Just Yahoo! Answers. And, ew. (Posted by Karen)

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what the fuck happened to my email. Anyway, as I was saying, how can I NOT google blue waffle disease seeing as I'm vaguely shitfaced on mojitos in a hotel room alone. Seriously. That's asking too much. you know I'm gonna do it.

holy motherfuck.

not enough mojitos apparently. (Posted by Hot Lips)
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Ha! Was in a foul mood but you and your mojitos may have saved the night. Hope you're having fun on your trip!  (Posted by Nancy)
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OK I just caught up with all this!! Man I missed a lot. 

Karen,  NO need to apologize AT ALL!! You are right. I haven't been on Twitter b/c both kids have been home and I haven't had one second to myself. I actually forgot. That's how busy I've been. When I do have a moment for myself, I'm barely awake and can't think of anything funny or clever to say. That's about 85% of it! or really 90% of it. I don't fucking know. It took me almost a 1/2 hour to write this! Anywho, I totally understand what you are saying and I don't blame you for feeling that way about that guy. It is shitty and I wish it didn't happen. ...so I'll be back. FER SHER

AND I had no idea kids were allowed over to your house LOL I'm locking them in the moonbounce with the other kids ;)

My eye is still twitching. 8 days till the beach where I WILL be eating cinnamon buns and chocolate chocolate chip muffins every god damn day. (Posted by Linda)
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Hang in there! It's good to take a Twitter break every now and again. Not that I would know anything about that... :-o

 

And this crazy ass party we're having wouldn't happen without kids there. We understand (or try to) how hard it is to get a sitter. So a moon bounce seems to be the best solution. If anyone had any other ideas on things to entertain the kids, please let me know! I want the parents to have a good time!

And as far as blue waffles go...I must have missed that VD when we went over that shit in 8th grade. I'm still trying to comprehend that. But I think the three bloggers here need to write something about haunted blue waffle fuckets. A compilation piece. (Posted by Karen)

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Linda - you need to come back to twittter. if you want. Scratch that. You need to do whatever the fuck you want. Be you. Take care of you and your peeps. Love on your babies, and your husband and yourself. Eat the muffins and the cinnamon buns and go to the beach and breathe in and breathe out until the eye stops twitching. But here's what's funny and I love even though it's sorta sucky for you and doesn't solve your eye problem: my eye is twitching too. Has been for a week and a half. Know why? Sympathetic love for you and your eye twitch. that's why.

p.s. I'm shitfaced. But that's still why my eye is twitching.

p.s.s. if my vagina ever looks like that blue waffle shit I'm trading it in for a dick. (Posted by Hot Lips)
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That cracked me the fuck up.

Karen, didn't you say your eye is twitching too??? We're all the same Flo schedule and our eyes our twitching!!! ♥ and Thanks Hot Lips, that was sweet of you...I'm fine, a tad crankier than usual. I'll probably be better when I'm at the beach. NO I'll be better when they go back to that S word. (Posted by Linda)
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Yes! The eye twitching as calmed down a bit since getting sick. Being stuck on the couch for two days helped. (Posted by Karen)

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The best FB threads are with you lovely ladies. Oh man... ♥ (Posted by Vicki)

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We should rename this thread though. 'tmz twitter' or something more clever than that.... (Posted by Nancy)
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That's a good idea, Nancy. :) I think we have the best convos on here! hahahaha and we solve everything! Hmmm my eye stopped twitching. (Posted by Linda)

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We should move onto solving crimes next. Seems only natural.

I used to get eye twitching all the damn time a couple of years back. Job stress, eye strain, too much caffeine? Who knows. Now I don't get it often and have all the same worries. All I really know is it's a real bitch and I fucking hate it b/c on top of the nuisance you feel like everyone notices it. Good news: it will suddenly, randomly go away. (Posted by Nancy)
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Let's make it a blog. No names. Seriously. 

Except that it would be fucking priceless if it were actually called "why I unfollowed that guy"  (Posted by Hot Lips)
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Nancy, I can't stand the eye twitch. I know it's stress but I'm not sure what I'm stressed about except being home with the kids all day. Everyone says I need to rest. I don't know how I'm supposed to do that unless I get a hotel room for myself. HMMMMMM (Posted by Linda)

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W, I have had thoughts along this line, but never so brilliant as to actually make any sense like you just did there, my friend. My vote: authors are anonymous, title fucking STAYS.

Also, a solemn swear from each of the other anonymous authors that we are each strictly off limits for blog content. Not including spin-off blogs. That's fair, no? (Posted by Nancy)

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Oh man. That would be priceless.

Nancy - the sense I got from reading the tweets that he's married and has a venereal disease or two...

OH DEAR GAWD I hope this doesn't lead to blue waffle disease...

And agreed re: the eye twitching. I got it a ton when I still worked in the advertising agency biz. Now not nearly as much. (Posted by Vicki)

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wait. just.a. minute.

You're combining gossip worthy of a lifetime fucking movie AND blue waffle disease??

Vicki, I didn't want to have to do this...but you leave me no choice.

googling now... (Posted by Nancy)
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Someone set it up! We need a vow of secrecy, though. And we have to swear deniability!! So if someone finds it and asks if it's us, we say NO! (Posted by Hot Lips)
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And because I am a somewhat smart woman (okay maybe not smart, persay, maybe forewarned...prepared) I passed on the search result that promised images. And I got a lite version of blue waffle. And now I know.

but really, whoever wrote this should get some kind of award for brilliance:

"Blue Waffle is a vaginal disease and the term should not be confused with the quick drying towels that are used to dry and wipe cars and other vehicles." (Posted by Nancy)
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FUCK YEAH!!! I love you guys omg this is the best day EVAH!!! maybe I'll do it. Yeah I have a brain still. (Posted by Linda)
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I would do a pinky blood swear but how do any of us really know which one of us has blue waffle disease, so it will just have to be a virtual pinky blood swear. but i am so f'in in!! (Posted by Nancy)
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and I solemnly swear  that I'm up to no good PLUS off limits to whatever you just said...agree wheeeee (Posted by Linda)

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Wait, Linda. Does that mean you're not up to no good or you're not up to any good? Ah, either way it's all good.

I think it's safe to say that none of us have blue waffle disease, nor do we want it or any regular waffles either for the next year or so. Poor waffles.

Hey Karen! This is turning a little into that fight club thing you sent round awhile back. Yay! (Posted by Hot Lips)

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Whoa! I missed a TON! Going back to work now so I can add my expensive 2€ (is that yen?) (Posted by Karen)
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Header has to include Nancy's blue waffle quote. (Posted by Hot Lips)
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I mean seriously, Hot Lips. Who towel dries their cars or other vehicles with vaginas?? (Posted by Nancy)

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I think I was trying to quote Harry Potter and it didn't come out right and now I have no idea what I was trying to say ahahahahaha but everything is in the VAULT!!! (Posted by Linda)

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Um not me. I guess. Why. Is that weird? Haters. Look. Sometimes the car just needs to be dried, right? (Posted by Hot Lips)
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I got your Marauder's Map reference Linda. :) (Posted by Vicki)

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btw the vault is NOT my vagina...just sayin (Posted by Linda)

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I imagine the VagWow spokeswoman to be the old lady from Something About Mary. I bet she can dry off a car! (Posted by Karen)

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Fuck, Karen. Funniest thing I've heard in ages. Can't stop laughing picturing that lady dragging her old cooze across the hood of a beat up Caddie.

Somebody better get this blog up and running today. (Posted by Hot Lips)
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TESTING....Am I gonna eff this bitch up? What letter am I? You might think I'm new to this blog thing! Posted by Hot Lips)
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Depends...what color hair do you have? (posted by Linda)
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I've been blonded! (Posted by ?)